My Opinion Over Yours

You see this in their minds makes them better than us, but they won't say that b/c declaring yourself superior is too American for them. It is also not surprising that Canadians would be more liberal than us. If you noticed by the red/blue map during election time most of the Democrat (read: liberal) states were up north, usually really up north. When it gets cold you need to be able to make decisions that are extreme.

Say you're a New Englander and there's a blizzard outside, and you need to fill your refrigerator with more Clam Chowdah. You only have to choices and each are extremes:
1. Go outside and freeze your ass off
2. Stay inside all day and order Chinese food.

You see people in the cold need to make or break decisions all the time, so they are used to accepting extremes. They're not being liberal or progressive they are just being themselves. It's Jack Frost's fault as much as anyone that the Northeast is full of Homosexuals and Asians. Look at Vermont for example.

To most Americans, who are as ignorant as every other society, this solves their problems. Now we can just say to those whiny Homosexuals, "Hey you, go buy a coat and go to Canada." Why do you need to make it legal now. It would just bandwagonning at this point and no one likes the last one to join the group, therefore its better to just stay out of that group.

So if you have any Homosexual friends start calling up dance halls and restaurants to make you reservations before every place is booked with "Going Away" parties. You don't want to be the jerk who seems to not care that your closest homosexual friends are leaving to Canada. I bid thee a fond farewell Homosexuals.

This change in policy brings up the question of which city is most Homosexually conducive. I'd like to see other's opinions on this. Sure Montreal is more French, so you know they aren't going to care about what anyone does. Vancouver has a bustling metropolitan area. Medicine Hat is full of "lumberjacks" take that for what its worth. Somone needs to put together all the stereotypes of the Homosexual lifestyle and formulate which city is best for gay Americans to flock to, and I really didn't mean a pun it just came out.

Looking back Kids in the Hall seems to have been a major hint to where Canada/American relations would go.

This is where you can make some dumb joke about birds usually flying south for the winter.

There is one other thing I want to bring up now, and that is the fact that Hispanic radio is trampling over Rock radio. In Miami we have 2 rock stations and they both have major flaws.
- One plays only Classic Rock
- The other plays only Metallica

Latin rock though is played on about 5 stations. I'm all for diversification so when it comes to Latin Rock I'm completely against it. I am happy most other cultures have stuck to their traditional music while still being able to listen to Western civilization's. It all sounds exactly like Rock in the late 70's and early 80's.

Not that many were listening to rock back then here in America thanks to disco. Either way most South American pop culture is in what seems to be a hippie mode. Evidence for this is seen in how they have adopted the movements hairstyle. The whole "Peace and Love" ideal has nothing to do with it. Its only a superficial change but at least they let you know where their music is historically with their hair do's.


Additionally I have to put up with commercials on the television for Latin radio morning shows. You might be saying right now - "But Michael, I thought you yourself were a Hispanic. Why the hoopla. Buy in."

The problem I have with the commercial is that the commercial has two guys dancing around some middle aged woman who is bent over wearing a thong. Sure they are singing a song who's title translates to "Poor Ass Cheek" but don't be fooled they aren't doing this out of sympathy.

I don't listen to the show but here's the link to their website. Its not bad. To see the "Pobre Nalga" video just scroll down. Yet Howard Stern is not allowed to be on the radio. Don't get me wrong each chance Hispanics get to do something that is disallowed to Jews its hardly tipping the scales.


I don't know where this city is going but I know the direction is dead south. Hell? Latin America? You choose.

The Song of the Day for Today might as well be "Pobre Nalga" by Enrique Santos and Jose Ferrero.

Also an annoucements to all you silent fans you can now e-mail me what you think and not have to worry about registering to post a comment. I'll repost it, unless you don't want that but you're going to have to let me know. Just click the little envelope at the end of each post. So, now I have the ability to makeup comments.

Today is one of those days you know isn't about you but about us. By us I mean Floridians, be it past, present or future. I'm almost positive everyone who reads this is in one of those categories. Either way just by being Americans you know that you know longer need to worry about Arabs and now must focus your fear on all Shark species. Shark attacks are on huge increase, just last week no one was talking about them, now every news station is running to their local fish store to hire someone who is an expert on sharks.

Who benefits the most from these attacks? Well, Arubans obviously. Who cares about missing Alabama girls while sharks are swimming off shore just waiting to take a hunk-a-chunk of flesh from innocent backwater folk living in Florida's panhandle. I don't want to implicate that Aruba is sending the sharks so I'll just drop it.

The real reason today is great day for Floridians is b/c thanks to the sacrifices of two "panhandlers" Florida has he highest shark attack average in the world! The news said it this morning so apparently someone is keeping very close tabs on this. Some might argue that Australia is notorious for Shark attacks. First of all Australia has Great Whites so as far as shark populations go they have the "sexiest." Second of all an idea arose in a conversation I was having with a coworker. The idea was that perhaps Australians aren't reporting their shark attacks. Anyone who knows anything about Aussies knows that they are perfectly epitomized by Crocodile Dundee. They're tough people, generations and generations of penal colonization has evolved them into "leather-skinned" hicks with no ability to feel pain.

That argument hasn't totally convinced me and either way it just gives me more reasons to be proud I am a Floridian and not an Australian. Such as:
1. We can tell when a shark has bitten into us
2. We can count
3. We have a strong heritage of working class sharks, not the prissy Great Whites only
4. People like alligators better than crocodiles

Today be proud Floridians! We made the news and it didn't involve a child abduction.

Today I lack all luster, perhaps a hold over from practicing lethargy intensely all weekend. In hopes that frequency breeds popularity I'll be lazy and copy stuff just so I can have a post for today. In case you don't know what McSweeneys is the rest of this post will come from their "New Food Reviews."

Here are some of my favorites:

Britain's food scene has become so pervasively and popularly multinational that many Brits think their nation invented the curry. Recently, a popular food magazine even featured London as a hub for good eats. But in order to really appreciate London's change we must delve into its sordid roots.

Brits have the standards: mutton sog, fish 'n' chips, blood pudding, bangers and mash, toad in a hole, fried Mars bars, and, in the northern regions, haggis and head cheese, but these all pale in comparison to a product available in every Tesco, Waitrose, and 24-hour convenience store: Breakfast in a Can. This is the quintessential British breakfast. The mushy fried tomato, the mushy canned mushrooms (always canned, never fresh, as if by some uncodified law), the mushy baked beans, sausage, and even a strangely mushy egg, over easy, all in one convenient container. When I first saw it in the supermarket I absolutely had to buy it.

I thought perhaps I'd save it for a time of desperation, or a special occasion. But eventually this waiting, and some apprehension over what I might unleash by opening it, turned it into a talisman and a shrine. An object to be both feared and revered. When it came time to leave London, the Breakfast in a Can was the last thing I took out of the cupboard, and even then I considered packing it to bring home, to show off to my friends, like a bizarre convenience-store hunting trophy.

Instead, I took the Breakfast in a Can out of the cupboard and put it into a box of nonperishable food goods to donate to the food bank. Perhaps someone will be able to enjoy it now. But I suspect it is the same for all those who live in Britain. Probably each family has a Breakfast in a Can in their cupboard, firmly respected, but never eaten.

- - - -

Pickled Shark

Submitted by Tim Wild

I ate this at a "Welcome to Iceland" dinner, along with some strips of smoked puffin and a sizable slice of whale, neither of which was anywhere near disagreeable enough to prevent me eating them again. When I gently asked where they'd got the whale from, the chef told me it had been killed years before the ban and that they just took the occasional piece out of the freezer, and then he burst into derisive laughter. If you ever want to annoy environmentalists, Iceland is an excellent place to start.

My hosts informed me that this pickled shark foodstuff was invented by early Icelandic settlers. Lacking refrigeration, they used to dig a big hole in the ground, piss on the shark fillets, and then bury them, to dig up months later when things got desperate. This turned out to be a hilarious lie, but after eating it, I took some convincing. I also thought the traditional accompaniment of Brennivín schnapps smelled vile, until I used it to wash down the shark. The most popular and profitable restaurant in Iceland is a hot-dog stand.

- - - -

McDonald's OJ/Coffee Combo

Submitted by Cathy Hannan

I was somewhere in America's Heartland this weekend and stopped at McDonald's for breakfast. I know eating there is lame, but trust me, Ferrarri's, the only other thing open, didn't look safe. I ordered a biscuit-crap thing, orange juice, and coffee. The zit-faced teen shoved the tray at me.

There was one cup.

"Wait," I said, "where's the orange juice?"

"In the cup," she said.

"Well, then, where's the coffee?"

Clearly, she was dealing with a retard. She sighed.

"In the cup," she said.

I took the top off. There was a lukewarm, translucently caramel-colored liquid inside. Yes, she had given me a cup filled with half coffee/half OJ. Is this some taste sensation sweeping the nation? I have seen no ad for "I'm lovin' it OJ/coffee combo," but since she was so convincing in making it seem like it was a normal thing to order, I tasted it. I mean, the first time someone offered me a beet-and-goat-cheese salad I thought yuck, and now, well, it's one of my favorite things. But the OJ and coffee? It really sucked.

- - - -

Deer Park Natural Spring Water

Submitted by Bernd Sauermann

Try it. You'll like it. It tastes like nothing. Not even a hint of deer feces.

- - - -

Double Fudge Yoohoo

Submitted by Sida Xiong

The time-honored tradition of shaking the chocolate sludge off the bottom of the Yoohoo bottle is made doubly better by Double Fudge Yoohoo. Indeed, this Yoohoo is twice as dark, twice as thick, and the equivalent of Samuel L. Jackson to regular Yoohoo's Pootie Tang, or so it would seem. I have to regretfully inform the consumer that, while Double Fudge Yoohoo is an inspired chocolate flavor idea, it will have to go the way of celery Jell-O.

Halfway through the bottle, your mouth is rocking on a sensation of drinking pudding, but nearing the last third, suddenly your glycemic level is going out of control. With your teeth aching and your eyes nervously twitching, you flash back to Uma Thurman's OD scene in Pulp Fiction. Not wanting to be turned into a pillar of sugar, I dunked the last third of Double Fudge Yoohoo in the appropriate receptacle.

Good riddance, to diabetes that is.

- - - -

Jolly Time Kettle Corn

Submitted by Konstantine Simakis

Imagine if popcorn blew a dope line of snow and you'll begin to understand the addictive allure of kettle corn, a fatty snack that's a lot like normal popcorn except, what the hell? It tastes like candy, and leaves you with a sugary postnasal drip. And don't even try to figure out how they get it to do that. Trust me, I've tried.

Until recently, kettle corn was a curio available only at fairs, freak shows, and other summertime special occasions—but thanks to the sticks-in-the-mud at so-called Jolly Time, now you can pop a batch of kettle corn in the microwave whenever you goddamned please. So go ahead! Stuff handfuls of it into your mouth in the middle of February! While you're at it, listen to Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" on repeat! Yeah, you're desecrating the sanctity of American seasonal tradition, but what do you care, you pinko scum?

- - - -

There's a ton of these. Click the link to the right labled "McSweeney's" if you want to read more.

Who know's maybe I'll write something today.

Today's Song of the Day is "Dog on Wheels" by Belle and Sebastian. (join the bandwagon now)

# posted by just another one of you @ lunes, junio 27, 2005 ::

I think I might go out this weekend. In case you weren't watching last weekend or perhaps you just don't associate yourself with temporary cripples, I was having a pretty tough time moving or even sitting around. A week does a lot for a man, especially when you have a staph infection and are recovering from 4 knee surgeries in less that a month. I'm not gonna go nuts but I have to be honest I am at least open to that possibility.

So if you are American you know by now that Tom Cruise is insane. The good news is that Tom actually does read and cares a lot about Brooke Shields. That latter says a lot because the only other person that isn't Brooke's family that actually cares for her is Michael Jackson. I don't think I need to elaborate on what happens when people can talk about you in the same sentence as Michael Jackson.

This news was so big that it overshadowed a incredible caper that went down here in South Florida. It isn't that I am in tune with the happenings of Miami any more than the next guy, nor do I tune in to Spanish radio (God no!). This amazing story would be everywhere if it weren't Tom Cruise. It happens to be that three men wearing white masks and capes ransacked this woman's house, and in the process stole a baby owl monkey (worth $2,000).


How are we going to stop 3 men wearing masks, easy shoot them up and take picture of their face after. But capes! They had capes! Not just one either b/c then you could say that oh well they have a nut leading them, but when everyone is wearing capes what do you do. Do you shoot at them? How do you know it will do anything, or better how will you hit anything, the cape is highly distracting. Apparently necessity breeds innovation so superheroes must be on the way b/c in all my years of education I have only seen superheroes capable of stopping any caped troupe.

It wasn't even good cape weather. That's probably indicative of this group of thieves having some sort of superhuman bravado.

But really the capes were a bit much, no?

Anyways I wanted to take a moment to talk about something that has begun to concern me as I have had to watch more TV in my time as a half-cripple. That concern being that I have no idea what to do if my child is born a sociopath. From my exposure, as an ignorant American, all I know is that you need to throw sociopaths into a locked room and throw away the keys.

I actually did have to study some about sociopath's in that God forsaken Criminology class I took at the community college. It manifests during puberty and leaves supposedly around 65 years of age. This has a two fold effect:
1. Most will never survive sex with a sociopath
2. They'll receive social security without really contributing much

I'd like help with this and have some suggestions or anecdotes at least that will shed l;light on what should I do if I have sociopathical child. Should I just cherish the years before puberty? Most parents would claim those are the only years they wish their kids would be alive for.

If you stayed late at work on Friday, you got a treat, but you're also pathetic ('cause its Friday). Have a good weekend.

Today's Song of the Day is "Catch Without Arms" by Dredg

Perhaps it is because this is such a tropical, ecologically vibrant area that South Florida has locally famous wilderness men such as Max Osceola, Manny Puig, Billy Cypress, and the Swamp Ape. I'm pretty sure most other cities do not have this type of roster of frontiersmen among their citizens, but I'll cut most cities some slack due to the lack of "frontier" land for people of that type to romp around in.

Amazingly even with this wealth of men who are willing to spend the majority of their lives, at least the prime years of it if not, interacting with wild animals and overcoming strange mosquito given diseases there is one man who stands above them all when it comes to animal expertise.

His name is Ron Magill.

From his Metro Zoo kingdom located where human civilization once ended and wildlife began Ron reigns with an iron fist, ensuring that it is his opinion that shapes all South Floridians' knowledge of wild animals. Ron won't tell you what to do with your dog, cat, horse, fish, or cow but he will make sure that you come to him when you aren't sure which type of Heron it is that is nesting in banana plantation you just planted in your backyard. Ron most likely became an expert at a young age because firstly he's seems to have been around forever and secondly I doubt he could find many girls that were attracted to a flesh toned personification of Gonzo the muppet.

South Florida reveres Ron, so much so that it even goes to him when strange bugs infiltrate the area. Reporters know that when dealing with an animal story for the late night news they could either:
a) Do hours and hours of research to gain knowledge on the animal the story is interested in and think of everyday words to replace those "textbooky" words we all hate to hear on television
or
b)Call Ron Magill and find out what time you can go to his proverbial Serenghetti palace

I'm pretty sure other cities don't have this type of position in their municipalities: Animal Expert. Here in Miami we do, and boy does Ron do a great job. Everyone knows he's the animal guy. Who could forget a face like his? Not even the animals can displace his lovely mug and are capable of recognizing the trademark toucan beak underlined with a walrus moustache. They know that face will make them famous.

Listen to Ron he'll tell you helpful things like "Don't stick grasshoppers in your mouth" and "Hippos are responsible for more injury and deaths to humans than any other animal in Africa."


Thanks Ron, I now have no need to buy those pricey Wildlife Trading Cards, although I could have used the wonderful carrying case.

Today's Song of the Day is "Walking with a Ghost" by Tegan and Sara

Upon my return from being as close to social oblivion as possible I gained a strong addiction to everyone's clinic on American justice: Law & Order.

I was able to spend my nights, sadly, catching as many of these shows as possible. And I mean all flavors be it original, special victims, criminal intent, or even the new trial by jury, which is bound to be available for only a limited time. I took a Criminology course at the local community college when I was still in high school and I can truly say that I learned more about catching criminals by the time the opening credits were over. That said I think the amount of episodes of I've seen along with that criminology course must leave me more prepared than half the cops in this city.

Consequently it dawned me why it is that Law & Order is so damn popular among young Americans, and it is, perhaps even more so than most are willing to admit but the same thing could be said for drugs and those malt-liquor Bacardi drinks that someone seems to be buying up. Either way what I figured out was that the entire premise of Law & Order is identical to The Scooby-Doo Mysteries w/o the monster costume. The suspects occupation or background work as the masks or costumes that the culprit always used to scare Shaggy and Scoobs. Once Brisco or McCoy "unmasks" the suspect for what they are then do we say "ohhhhhhh, no wonder they did it." Here are some other similarities:
1. You always see the culprit in the first 10 minutes of the show.
2. There are always 2 or 3 other people that are thought to be more criminal-esque
3. The Mystery Squad or Law& Order teams always cross boundaries that somehow all other forms of law enforcement seemed impenetrable.

So that's it. If it weren't for Scooby Doo Law & Order would never be here.

In other news: I'm almost ready to start working so I actually need to start a routine again. I can't really walk yet and my knee swells like a balloon if I push it so I figure to not put that many hours in at first. I'm almost myself. Once I'm there I swear to write something funny, until then just picture old people falling. If you think that's mean picture them falling into a tub of orange marmalade.

I'm out like Jerry Orbach.

Top Rumors of What Made Me Disappear
1. Eaten by spiders
2. Federal Witness Protection Program needed to relocate my family due to mob ties
3. Parallel universe jumping via remote control found at Jerry O'Connel's garage sale.
4. Eaten by radioactive spiders
5. Went to a hippie-fest like last summer and ended up "riding the snake" a little too long
6. Book tour through most of literate Asia
7. Ran out of material
8. Chose a life of solitude in the remote jungles near Bangladesh
9. Filming new reality show about people who are boring and will do anything for money
10. Got injured surfing Costa Rica's infamous "Salsa Brava"
11. Joined think thank to examine the use of "Sanford and Son" in reducing genocides in Africa
12. Busy writing the screenplay for the movie version of "Perfect Strangers"
13. Fell through a time portal that took me to the height of the Hittite empire

Anyways I'm back. I wont waste time dispelling rumors but I will say that in my absence there has been a lack of reflection in the world and abundance of fake laughs. I have learned a lot of things since I last wrote, hopefully that will translate into interesting writing.

I'm about 60% back. Hopefully the rest of me will make an arrival by early next week. If you knew where I really was for the past week and we haven't spoken consider yourself an asshole on an order of 8.34 on the Romero-Simpson Asshole scale.

Some of my friends might be thinking that I have forgotten all about them and chosen to do other things with my time. Well, if you'd like to know what I am doing right now I will tell you. I am watching a show about conjoined twins and icing my knee every 20 minutes.

Huh?

That's right, my knee is messed up again. It is all swollen, and is almost locked up once again. Thankfully Melanie enjoy ambulatory men and has found our time quite pleasant. I think I would have put my head through a wall if she wasn't here with me now.

I promised funny, I know I did. I apologized for the crap I wrote earlier this week and I've already started this one asking for pity. Let's try something different and recount the Seether/Crossfade concert.

Things I learned at the Seether/Crossfade concert:
1. Roadies eat a lot of shit the hours before the show
2. The Crossfade guys do a lot of Coke.
3. When the tour takes a break Seether will be partying in Jamaica
4. No roadie ever forgets every single show he worked on.
5. The NHL will resume at its regularly scheduled time and location with the players gaining nothing from the lockout.
6. Women should change clothes between the opening bands' sets.

I don't know if I had mentioned this before but my friend's brother is the lead singer for Seether, and the only constant part as the other members seem to change a lot. Therefore the main reason I went to the concert was not to see live music, or to see what any of those guys looked like. I went to see a friend. The doors opened late and a big line formed in front of the venue, but that only benefited us as I found my friend sticking his head out the bus looking at the line. We looked real cool in front of all the 13 year old music aficionados when we were invited onto the bus. In the bus we heard about what tour life is like, what my friends plans were, how the Crossfade guys are douche bags who do too much coke. The best part about that last statement was that it was made by a roadie who detailed every show he's ever been on, including Van Halen. It must take a lot of coke to make Van Halen look like prudes.

Once inside we were able to see all three bands perform (the first band was called No Address, or Bad Address). We watched the first band from above and found that we were on the right floor b/c there were other non-teenagers on that floor. The only problem was that some of these fans were middle aged and this one lady decided to rock out more than anyone else even though the kimono she was wearing was rocking her out. As soon as Crossfade started she ripped off the kimono and sported a halter she apparently had bartered some unsuspecting adolescent for.

We watched the Seether set from the sound booth with our new found roadie friend. Another thing I learned thanks to the amount of times Mike (the roadie) repeated it was that "all personal relationships go to shit as soon as you hit the road." Really? Thanks buddy I'll keep that in mind next time I think about becoming a roadie. Somehow this guy still had something on his finger that seemed like wedding band. Weird, I know.

The whole thing was a bit subdued thanks to the amount of pain killers I took in order to make it through the concert. That was probably a mistake and the cause of my current situation as I overworked my knee and now it is still swollen with fluid.

Today is the first Thursday in a long time that I am unable to go out, or just don't. I actually got into a rhythm with all the dancing. My only wish now is that I am severely missed and my ego is further inflated.

I've got to go now, but please remember to send money instead of flowers or get well cards.

The Song of the Day for Today is "Midnight Creeper" by The Eagles of Death Metal.

I got the new White Stripes album a couple days ago and have been spinning it since in order to get a grasp on what is going on these days with the two best things to come out of Detroit, MI. I'm not sure if this album is out yet but here's my review:

"Get Behind Me Satan" - The White Stripes put together another album that lives up to their reputation. Bold, brash, and bombastic are usually good descriptive words starting with the letter "b" that describe their sound, and little has changed with the new album. Things have mellowed out for Jack and Meg and they show it in the lyrics and light fare some of their songs try to tackle. You'll find more piano and xylophone being used here than in the 5th grade band recital, thankfully more creatively too. While you can still expect some of the songs to blast away on the chorus and chop through the verses there are moments or melodic harmony that have never been done as subtly by the Stripes at its done on this album. If you don't know much about the White Stripes previous music outside of their singles this album is a good starter kit as Jack keeps things simpler and doesn't break songs down just to show you how he can pick them back up again. Has definite growth potential.

I went to the Seether/Crossfade concert last night, but I don't have time to write about that today so I'll try to remember to get to it soon.

I'll try to spark things up in my head so that tomorrow's post salvages the week. If not I'll appease the literary impaired with some pictures. Enjoy Hump Day and remember to get over it.

The Song of the Day for Today is "Yer Blues" by The Dirty Mac

These days I've become increasingly motivated to find a job. It isn't that I haven't been trying before. I've already applied to, hmmm I'd say like 16-23 jobs by now. Nothing has really panned out just yet. One place has asked me to interview but after reviewing their website I'm not sure how differentiate them from a Cutco knives wholesaler.

Right now I am focusing on getting a job in Chicago. I can't really say what is attracting me to Chicago other than that there should be plenty of opportunities for the career path I am stumbling down. I also want to be in a big city and am not attracted New York and the way it transforms you into tolerating a lot of inconveniences. I'm sure my sister, who lives there, would argue against this point but when you can open the door, turn on the TV and take a shower with only having to pivot on one foot I think any argument made against convenience is a bit construed.

This post is getting pretty boring and I am getting frustrated trying to figure out how to get more people to read it or in other words write something more people would want to read. People in general don't like to read. It seems to be in the same category as running, soy products, and being sober. I know if I wrote more about Pop culture, sports, and reality television I would already have my own following, but then I would just be another Ann Landers or Steven Cocojaru.

In the sake of ending this quickly and leaving work to go watch my favorite South African friend's brother's band today I am going to put a list up.

Top Names I Would Never Name My Child:
1. Hamish
2. Rigoberto
3. Egon
4. Advil
5. Orgy Funcakes
6. Coprophilius Poupou
7. Griffon
8. Mackenzie
9. Justice
10. Iota

Today's post is pretty bad, but I'm trying to keep the frequency high.

The Song of the Day for Today is "Blue Orchid" by The White Stripes (b/c I'll be reviewing it later)

For most people thoughts of how they would raise their child or rules they would implement in the household float around their heads at a relatively early age.

I for one have already decided that I will maintain a separate domicile from my children. I will keep them locked in until they reached the cognizant age of five, providing them only with a television, stuffed animal and occasionally some candy. I figure I can just slip food and water through a hole and go in every other month to clean the place.

Obviously I am only joking, I know there are laws prohibiting such behavior, but my general point is that people plan their parenting techniques in the years leading up to it. Mostly when they are unprepared or far too ignorant to make any type of educated decision when it comes to child-bearing and raising.

So where am I going with this you may be asking? Hold your horses (how do you hold on to more than one horse? What a defeatus statement) we are getting there.

My point is that almost everyone wants their child to grow up to be honest and forthright, not a liar and hypocrite. Although many accept those flaws from themselves hardly anyone tolerates a standard that would perpetuate a child into becoming two-faced.

What I want to bring up is the fact that we build machines to exemplify a hypocritical attitude. The one machine I want to look at is the ATM. Everytime you go to an ATM you end up paying it in order to pay you. In other words you give it money for it to give you money. How is this not the epitome of hypocrisy?

You go to the ATM b/c you need money to eat and you tell it "Can I get some of what is mine?"

ATM says- "Sure, but first you will need to pay me"

You respond- "But its my money that I'm asking for, why are you trying to take something for giving me what is mine."

ATM concluding - "Pay up or starve"

The best personification of an ATM is that friend that gives you a birthday present or says they will pay for dinner and then goes home and writes it down in a book so they can compare it to what you have given them. Sure they'll be nice and offer to help you out but in their mind they are already charging you a price for accepting their "kindness."

I find that there are more and more people like that, obligating me to return a favor, or instant karma even.

So to put it all together- We want are kids to be honest and forthright yet subject them to constant exposure of a machine that embodies hypocrisy (the ATM). Of course the world is full of jerks, all those technicians with no manners or social experiences are the ones building these sassafrassin' machines we spend so much time interacting with.

If you want to act like an ATM make sure that I won't be sticking my card in you. I don't know what that means, literally or metaphorically but take it as you like just don't take my money you greedy son of a bitch.

I think I got a little to worked up there, but I hope I got my message across, as bullshit filled as it is.

The Song of the Day for Today is "Money for Nothing" by Dire Straits.

We are now knee deep in year 2 of Michael's Blogging Experience, The Musical.

Last night I was wearily driving back home from dropping off Mel and I saw something that made me realize that the world will not end in war over religion or politics. The world will end from a massive fat induced heart attack. There were over 15 cars in the drive thru line at Taco Bell, mind you it was 1:45 am.

I don't care how normal this might be for you but if you are going to Taco Bell at 1:45 am it is an obvious sign that you desire to be a fat ass. I'm sure you'll just laugh and say "that's so true, but it tastes so good." I'm sure the taste will help you deal with those extra chins you'll grow. Don't forget to stop by Krispy Kreme too fatty.

I figured I'd load this page up with pictures for those who don't like to read.

Do you know what today is?


Yes, a year has arrived. Time to throw out some cliches:
I can't believe it has gone by this fast.
Wow! Time flies
Who would have thought we'd be here last year
When in Rome

I just want everyone to know that outside of my family this blog has been not only one of the most rewarding relationships but the longest one I have been in.

It has to be a little weird writing about writing but that's what to day is a celebration of my dorkiness, nerdiness, quirkiness, or whatever "ness" you would like to insult me with, but remember I know I've made you laugh so don't try to act you aren't a big dork also. Let's get this started by recalling how the past year has treated me and this blog.

Originally starting under the title "Philosophia Determinada" this web site was the epitome of my ambivalence. I don't speak Spanish much on a daily basis but yet I wanted to use it for a title. I also insinuated there was some intelligent "philosophical" thought behind this. What a mistake that was. A lot of drudgery and self loathing was done. I spent more time talking about how I felt about myself and what was going on in my life, as time progressed I realized I needed to feed my ego more that express my grief. The only obvious way to do this was to learn to be immediately funny (i.e. copy funny things that no one knew of at first and be racist). The second thing was to write short paragraphs that way people would think they are reading quicker.

Everyone loves a pat on the ass, not just me.

After studying at the Rick Moranis School for Humorously Impaired (i.e. Canadian) I stopped eating shit and started making fun of everything I saw. Having a good vocabulary is supposed to be beneficial in this regard but somehow I've been able fool everyone (i.e. all 5 of my readers). I promise that was the last "i.e."

At this point I want to take a moment to address the fact that I am claiming to be funny. Some will read what I have written and notice the grammatical errors others will notice how conceited this whole thing. Those in the first group should e-mail me and ask me for advice on cat names since they will probably lead a long lonely life. Those in the other group should move to the next paragraph.

So glad you could make it group 2. I just want to say "Yes, I do think I am funny. The loads of people who have told me have convinced me that they are professional 'funny scouts' and are capable of authorizing my humor license." I also want to tell you that you are insecure and will forever live in denial, this way I will always be right.

I am going to be honest and say that over 10 people read this page on a regular basis, and by "regular" I mean that they are over my shoulder right now reading as the words fly out of my ass.

As for my past year I guess the biggest difference that I have gone through is that I am much closer to being consistently happy with who I am. I don't how much credit goes to writing this blog but I will say a lot just b/c it is its birthday. In other news I graduated from college, figured out what I want to do for the rest of my life, and have met the ultimate and convinced her I am the male version.

I want to thank everyone for encouraging me and driving me to get to this point. I want to thank Ms. Klose for teaching English to me for 4 years, acting like a friend, and then telling my friend's girlfriend some lie of how I wanted to punch her (the girlfriend) in the face.

If you can please read my first post just so to make this one look better. Also please leave a comment detailing your most memorable moment in The Daily Lorenzo's History.

I'll be out celebrating and reminding everyone how great I am. Kudos to me! Congrats to blogging! Best wishes to literacy!


Today's Song of the Day is "Roland" by Interpol. God personally requested it

Things you should know before reading this blog.
1. When I say Asians I mean East Asians, like the ones you imitate by squinting and saying words that end in "ong"
2. It's Friday so you shouldn't be reading this past 7 pm
3. Prophet Yahweh is being run out of Las Vegas. He could be the first person to be exiled based on having too close a relationship to Aliens since Charles Lindbergh.
4. Tomorrow is this blog's one year anniversary!

I want to take a moment to tell Vicky, Vicki, Vickey, Viki, fuck it I'm gonna have to call you Victoria, thank you for driving last night. I also want to thank Frank for the pre-bash beer, Killian's is always welcome in my liver. Melanie you drove me home. I passed out on the ride. Thank you for not pushing me out mid-drive. I'm sure there's other people worthy of being thanked but I'm an asshole so I've already forgotten whatever it was they did.

I was wondering today why there aren't that many Asians in Miami, FL. In most other cities you tend to run into them in the streets not just at Canton and King Buffet like here. Is it all the Hispanics? I've never been to Mexico City but I am under the impression there aren't that many Asians there. They all went to L.A. and 85% of that city is identical to Mexico City. I guess we can throw out that Asian - Latino feud.

How can Miami be considered a world class city when it is void of Asians, the largest ethnicity in the world. They have already conquered this planet and various other ones also yet for some reason they have left Miami untouched. Do they know something that we don't?

Personally, I only know 4 Asians and only 2 do I know their name, and one of those is Jamaican so she only looks Asian. The other one's last name is Abramson. Even the Asians I do know are hardly Asian. I feel deprived. I feel a need as I write this to be immersed in Asian-icity, but I would like to keep the way I smell. If you know someone who's Asian and lives in Miami talk to your friends and tell them so that you can match them other Asians and they can have little Asian babies. You'd be doing it for your own kids, so come on and lend a hand.

Remember tomorrow is the one year anniversary for The Daily Lorenzo. Make sure to be a nerd and use the computer on the weekend.

Monica you've won the free tickets to the 1st Year Anniversary bash @ the Opa Locka International Airport brought to you by Hellmann's Mayonnaise.

That's it for now I can't think of anymore. I'm out like UFO's in Vegas.

Today's Song of the Day is "I Love LA" by Randy Newman

Aliens are coming!

But first I want to address the comment that was made about the last post. Here's my answer: I plan on buying FCS and then announcing its merger with Olive Garden immediately after the homecoming float parade. Sure, Jesus was a Jew but everyone knows he loved lasagna and bruchetta.

Ok, so Aliens are coming(!)

No, really it's true this time. We were just lying the 36,088,291,519 times so that you wouldn't panic when it really happened. So, don't panic, but Aliens are coming. No need to worry though we already have an ambassador that has been in charge of the reception committee for a while now. His name is Ramon Watkins, he's the guy who looks like a black genie on the bottom left corner of this web page. Ramon, or "Prophet Yahweh" as his friends and admirers call him, has perfected the ancient art of UFO summoning. He is able to cause UFO's to appear in the sky above him and fly around for a while. The second part might be a result of him taking them so far off their path. I'm sure they weren't trying to come to Earth and then this guy forces them to take a severe detour, confusion and disorientation ensue. If you have some time this summer head out to Las Vegas where, starting today, the infamous Prophet will be summoning UFO's on command for all to see, even the media. Be careful b/c nowhere did anyone say that he can control these UFO's. Once they show up you are in control as much as he is.

I'm sorry to anyone if I am underestimating your UFO controlling powers.

To read a report on Ramon and see a video of him summoning UFO's click here. (Editor's note: The video is part of a news cast so you need to skip ahead some to get to the video.)

Now I want to take some time to talk about myself. Recently I had a friend tell me that I only hang out with the same people all the time. There are many reactions to have to this and anyone who frequents this page (all 3 of you) knows I love to list so here it goes:
1. Am I supposed to be making only vague friendships that predicate me needing many to take up my time.

2. The book of Proverbs says in chapter 18 verse 23: The man of many friends (a friend to all the world) will prove himself a bad friend, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

3. This one will be a first I will sub-list all the people I hung out with this weekend (starting Thursday and I do include dogs b/c I enjoy their company):


SO if those people were the ones that were meant by the statement that I "hang out with the same people all the time" then yes, I do. And when we go out we travel in a School Bus that has Disco-inspired hub caps and a rotating crew of immigrants as chauffeur.

I hope that answers any confusion as to my ability to "hang" or "chill" with more than a closed circle of friends. Why can't friends just be happy to see each other and not count the times they don't see each other?

Leave a comment and you will automatically be invited to the 1st year Anniversary Bash for The Daily Lorenzo, on June 4, brought to you by Hellmann's REAL Mayonnaise.

Today's Song of the day is "In My Head" by The Queens of The Stone Age

I'm done. Welcome to June. Bye May, thanks for the good ending.