lunes, junio 27
Half-Assin' Mama
Here are some of my favorites:
Submitted by Ori Fienberg
Britain's food scene has become so pervasively and popularly multinational that many Brits think their nation invented the curry. Recently, a popular food magazine even featured London as a hub for good eats. But in order to really appreciate London's change we must delve into its sordid roots.
Brits have the standards: mutton sog, fish 'n' chips, blood pudding, bangers and mash, toad in a hole, fried Mars bars, and, in the northern regions, haggis and head cheese, but these all pale in comparison to a product available in every Tesco, Waitrose, and 24-hour convenience store: Breakfast in a Can. This is the quintessential British breakfast. The mushy fried tomato, the mushy canned mushrooms (always canned, never fresh, as if by some uncodified law), the mushy baked beans, sausage, and even a strangely mushy egg, over easy, all in one convenient container. When I first saw it in the supermarket I absolutely had to buy it.
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Pickled Shark
Submitted by Tim Wild
I ate this at a "Welcome to Iceland" dinner, along with some strips of smoked puffin and a sizable slice of whale, neither of which was anywhere near disagreeable enough to prevent me eating them again. When I gently asked where they'd got the whale from, the chef told me it had been killed years before the ban and that they just took the occasional piece out of the freezer, and then he burst into derisive laughter. If you ever want to annoy environmentalists, Iceland is an excellent place to start.
My hosts informed me that this pickled shark foodstuff was invented by early Icelandic settlers. Lacking refrigeration, they used to dig a big hole in the ground, piss on the shark fillets, and then bury them, to dig up months later when things got desperate. This turned out to be a hilarious lie, but after eating it, I took some convincing. I also thought the traditional accompaniment of Brennivín schnapps smelled vile, until I used it to wash down the shark. The most popular and profitable restaurant in Iceland is a hot-dog stand.
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McDonald's OJ/Coffee Combo
Submitted by Cathy Hannan
I was somewhere in America's Heartland this weekend and stopped at McDonald's for breakfast. I know eating there is lame, but trust me, Ferrarri's, the only other thing open, didn't look safe. I ordered a biscuit-crap thing, orange juice, and coffee. The zit-faced teen shoved the tray at me.
There was one cup.
"Wait," I said, "where's the orange juice?"
"In the cup," she said.
"Well, then, where's the coffee?"
Clearly, she was dealing with a retard. She sighed.
"In the cup," she said.
I took the top off. There was a lukewarm, translucently caramel-colored liquid inside. Yes, she had given me a cup filled with half coffee/half OJ. Is this some taste sensation sweeping the nation? I have seen no ad for "I'm lovin' it OJ/coffee combo," but since she was so convincing in making it seem like it was a normal thing to order, I tasted it. I mean, the first time someone offered me a beet-and-goat-cheese salad I thought yuck, and now, well, it's one of my favorite things. But the OJ and coffee? It really sucked.
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Deer Park Natural Spring Water
Submitted by Bernd Sauermann
Try it. You'll like it. It tastes like nothing. Not even a hint of deer feces.
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Double Fudge Yoohoo
Submitted by Sida Xiong
The time-honored tradition of shaking the chocolate sludge off the bottom of the Yoohoo bottle is made doubly better by Double Fudge Yoohoo. Indeed, this Yoohoo is twice as dark, twice as thick, and the equivalent of Samuel L. Jackson to regular Yoohoo's Pootie Tang, or so it would seem. I have to regretfully inform the consumer that, while Double Fudge Yoohoo is an inspired chocolate flavor idea, it will have to go the way of celery Jell-O.
Halfway through the bottle, your mouth is rocking on a sensation of drinking pudding, but nearing the last third, suddenly your glycemic level is going out of control. With your teeth aching and your eyes nervously twitching, you flash back to Uma Thurman's OD scene in Pulp Fiction. Not wanting to be turned into a pillar of sugar, I dunked the last third of Double Fudge Yoohoo in the appropriate receptacle.
Good riddance, to diabetes that is.
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Jolly Time Kettle Corn
Submitted by Konstantine Simakis
Imagine if popcorn blew a dope line of snow and you'll begin to understand the addictive allure of kettle corn, a fatty snack that's a lot like normal popcorn except, what the hell? It tastes like candy, and leaves you with a sugary postnasal drip. And don't even try to figure out how they get it to do that. Trust me, I've tried.
Until recently, kettle corn was a curio available only at fairs, freak shows, and other summertime special occasions—but thanks to the sticks-in-the-mud at so-called Jolly Time, now you can pop a batch of kettle corn in the microwave whenever you goddamned please. So go ahead! Stuff handfuls of it into your mouth in the middle of February! While you're at it, listen to Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" on repeat! Yeah, you're desecrating the sanctity of American seasonal tradition, but what do you care, you pinko scum?
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There's a ton of these. Click the link to the right labled "McSweeney's" if you want to read more.
Who know's maybe I'll write something today.
Today's Song of the Day is "Dog on Wheels" by Belle and Sebastian. (join the bandwagon now)
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