My Opinion Over Yours

Here's an update on the Frank & Beans Scandal at Gulliver Prep. Lazer Collazo, the coach who will show you how to "cup the balls" if you ask nicely, has resigned from high school baseball and will coach solely at his own baseball camp, Hardball Academy. Also he showed his players his nuts before the game not after. You have to imagine that the kids were a bit distracted at the plate when they heard cries from the dugout to "keep their eye on the ball". They lost the game to the school I went to, Florida Christian, which would claim that they are not associated with me if they ever read this blog and clarify that none of the views expressed on this site are their own. They'd rather be associated with the guy from the class of '87 who is managing an Olive Garden. I still plan on buying that place eventually, don't ask me why.

I want to take a moment to write a small ode to the people who always have experienced better than I. Everyone falls into this group, even yours truly (egads!). Apparently it seems impossible to some people to relate to your story. Here's an example using the two Daily Lorenzo Players: Alex and Chris

Alex: Oh My God, you should've been at the party last night it was out of hand!

Chris: Really, why?

Alex: We showed up and everybody started handing us drinks and these chicks were all over us.

Chris: No, way!

Alex: Yeah, it was the best party I had been to in a long time

Chris: That reminds of that kegger you pussyed out on last month. Man bitches were ripping my clothes off as I was doing a keg stand.

Alex: Um, ok, you already had told me that story.

What is Alex supposed to do in this situation? I can assure you that a great way to piss people off is to top their story no matter what it is. That's your tip on how to be a prick.

Changing topics I want to touch on the general opinion that people have of "middle America," which seems to be a term people use for people in this country who acts like dumb hicks even if you live in North Carolina. The stereotype that seems most common is that these "people" are ignorant and say anything to be on the local news, even if it proves they are their own grandfather. If you think this is a trait that is exclusive to, or even originated from "middle America" you are dead wrong. The British are the originators and perfectors of the "ignorant blurb," and in the forum of soccer, yes soccer not football, Britons seem to be the most ignorant people in the whole world.

If no one knows an American bought the most famous soccer franchise in the U.K., Manchester United, and it isn't working out to well. In fact fans are saying to boycott the sponsors of Man United. Why? B/c an American owns their team and they don't like Americans. I'm sorry but was I mistaken in my assumption the America has owned England since the 80's. Was I wrong?

Either way all these Britanians spend their time in the streets screaming at their top of their lungs how they want to kill Malcom Glazer, the Yankee that bought their team. Who cares who owns the team? Half the team isn't British and their top player hasn't been British most of the past two decades. Half of London isn't even British, who are these people kidding. The country who's main export has been pasty looking celebrities for most of the past half century.

I hope everyone had a memorable Memorial Day, I know I did.

The song of the day today is "Exodus" by Robert Marley

I'm out like most of the whites in Detroit.

A friend in D.C. asked me why I don't review music. This is how I'll do it.

Kaiser Chiefs - "Employment" - British band that gives insight on what an all-boys school choir would sound like if that school had no athletics. Driving sound, a little whiny with the synth on certain tracks. Kind of music you dance to today and tell your kids not to tomorrow.

The Bravery - (Self-titled) - Drummer likes cymbal syncopation, guitarists likes new wave riffs, bassist keeps it bouncing, and the singer wants to make sure we all know how depressed he is. Moaning and groaning is the name of his game. This is a band that has the new power-pop type music down technically but you could have scratched up your Killers album and made this album.

Weezer - "Make Believe" - Rick Rubin produced this one so you know its going to be crisp, clear, and well constructed. There is little to complain about if you are a casual Weezer fan but to those who aren't this album and its lighter material should keep the bands from enlisting more fat girls in their fan club. Songs about "freaking me out," and "being best friends" provide evidence that for once Rivers Cuomo isn't completely mad at the world and all its rejection dispersing women.

Jack Johnson - "In between dreams" - Do you like Jack Johnson? The you'll like this album. Nothing has changed except the names of the songs. Using the same guitar style, light drums, and bouncy voice inflections Jack is creating a trademark sound if only by constantly using it and developing it. If you have nothing to do one day and find yourself reading on a couch this album will keep your ears cozy.

Gorillaz - "Demon Days" - They finally come back and what do you know they're taking it easy giving us an album that smoothes over chunky and tweet-filled synthesizers. Although altogether a mellow album it does pick up at some points with incredible rhythm that will leave your ass in charge. If you like mellow hip hop and enjoy funky beats this will get you by.

Those were the last few albums I downloaded and actually have listened to. I also have Handsome Boy Modeling School's last release and Team Sleep's entry to the summer music collection. I've listened a little to Team Sleep and enjoy it. The closest thing I can compare it to is to Deftones song "Digital Bath." Sorry, if you wanted stars or a numerical scale you need to look elsewhere, and while you're at it figure out what it is you like along the way.

To everyone leaving to the Key's for Memorial Weekend I wish thee well and hopefully everyone will think about not driving drunk back or to the Key's. Thankfully most will be stuck in gridlock traffic and not be able to go above 20 mph most of the way.

To those going to see Dredg this weekend, be it Orlando, St.Pete or Gains I commend thee for making the trip to see a worthy band. There will be no disappointment on their part. If you're taking the trip to impress that rocker chick you met in hopes of finding the secret path into her pants your on your there buddy.

What will I be doing? That's always up in the air. I know I want to get out of this town, but that is nothing new. If your in town give me a call I'll be throwing a party at some unsuspecting friend's house.

The song of the day for today is "Under My Thumb" by The Rolling Stone

An article came out today in the British news magazine (read: tabloid) "The Sun Newspaper" detailing the superiority of children raised on nuclear wastelands. Studies have found that the children that were raised in Chernobyl, the site of the world's only major nuclear meltdown, perform better than normal children in IQ and physical tests. Some of you may just say this is a typical "shit" story that always appears in tabloids. Let me just say that other news organizations are already picking up on this story as you read. I am not trying to arouse mass hysteria but I think everyone should be aware that some Super-Russians are beginning to reach the prime of their development.

Another appealing avenue (ahhhh! alliteration attack!) to take from these findings is to start conceiving and raising kids on nuclear wastelands. Two immediate benefits would be the heightened immune system (less money on healthcare) of the children and the extra time and space everyone else would have.

Sure some would miss out on the cuteness factor and all that gosh darn adorability but there will be just as many entrepreneurs seeking to profit from this that I am sure some type of Baby Land theme park would be created. Perhaps even multiple ones so that you wouldn't have to drive far, but let's not go nuts here b/c we don't want it to become like another Six Flags.

Everyone would have so much time and wouldn't have to worry about babies always being in the way. Women wouldn't have to worry about hiding their children from unsuspecting bachelors and conversely men wouldn't have to hear anymore of that single mom crap that's always used as a crutch.

We wouldn't have to spend so much time on scientific research; these super babies' brains will be bulging out their ears reaching out to solve any obstacle the laws of science has put in our way. Warp speed here we come!

Of course we would need to watch these super babied closely b/c we don't want them taking over. This would then add to the benefits b/c of all the jobs that would be created to supervise the babies. In my opinion any able-bodied adult is capable of taking on 4 - 6 babies by themselves. As long as things are kept in that ratio we should be fine, unless the babies come up with some death ray, but obviously we'd have to make sure that anything they build is constructed using these supplies only:

Play-Doh
Macaroni
Popsicle Sticks
Elmer's Glue
Cotton Balls

As long as its kept to that I think they should remain defenseless, but I'm no nuke-baby so we'll need to make sure about that one. Perhaps kung-fu training for the guards would help.

So yeah, it worked for the Russians and I think we need to hurry the hell up in this country and start getting laws passed and baby drop off stations built. We don't want to fall behind in this regard.

Write your congressman or woman and tell them: NUKE MY BABIES!

Yesterday wasn't a great day. Each step preceded one that would falter. The only constant thing seemed to be laughter. I laughed myself into hunger last night. I thought I was done eating then all of a sudden I found my self not only on the floor cracking up but also famished. Somewhere in between an "espendru" tumbleweed and some old fashioned dog kicking I reached hilarity and wound up getting my third ab workout of the day.

Hearing about how Rory Sparrow took a crap on somebody's car was the first one.

Apparently getting cold feet is still a punishable act in the U.S. The infamous Runaway Bride from Georgia has been indicted with a felony and a misdemeanor for lying and some other stuff. She was planning a huge wedding and then realized what America would soon realize thanks to countless press conference- that her soon-to-be-husband was a potato faced dullard that was waiting to settle down and get fat. As you can tell from my assessment I know a lot about the guy. As Junior Deputy of the Runaway Bride Search Party XL I made various contacts with John Mason and quickly noticed how much of a momma's boy he was. As soon as his father was on TV proclaiming John would still marry the fleeing fiance I knew that the height of sexual arousal for John Mason would be ghost pains emanating from where his genitals once were.

I think all the farts have been beaten out of that dead mule, let's just wish them a happy life of getting fat and planning for next deer season in Duluth, Georgia.

Earlier today the Marines launched a surprise attack on an Iraqi province. What is surprising about being attacked in Iraq? (insert laugh here)

Memorial day is around the corner, so make sure to use it as an excuse to drink and eat extra long hot dogs. Obviously all those war veterans would have done the same if they had long weekend. I still don't have plans. My ambivalence has left me stranded. I am available all weekend to entertain. For 3 drinks an hour I can make fun of you and your friends the entire night.

I just want to say I have an ego, therefore I enjoy comments and knowing someone other than my sister is reading this (although I like her reading it to, just that I expect her to already).

If you like steak say YES!

Do you know who Lionel Tate is? I'm sure you know the type of person he is- a criminal the system perpetuated. He's an example of how jail time and liberal means of punishment can create detriments to society. For those not in the know or unwilling to listen to the media Lionel Tate was the young boy from Florida who killed a little girl using a wrestling move he said he learned on TV. When he was using his "the WWF made me do it" defense he became the youngest person in the history of the United States to be sentenced to life in prison. Later Lionel changed his story and cleared up any confusion of whether wrestling kills kids when he claimed that he had jumped from a flight of stairs onto the 6 year old little girl. This story seemed to please the judge b/c he was immediately released from jail and placed in one year house arrest with 10 years of probation thus following.

Why bring this up? Well Lionel awoke this morning in jail b/c he assaulted a pizza guy with a gun while at a friend's house. Lionel then thanked his friend, who is 12 years old, for letting him commit a crime at his house by beating the shit out of him. I can assure you that in my moderate grasp of wrestling there's no comparable move to the one Lionel pulled.

here's what Lionel's attorney had to say and keep in mind the guy's last name is Rosenbaum when you read this quote: "I heard he jacked a pizza delivery guy, which I can't believe happened"

Sometimes you can just tell when someone has already bought their ticket to Hell. Other time you have to ask.

The intriguing part to me is the house arrest. A year of house arrest. No work, no worries except to make sure that you sleep in the same house for a year. If I were in that type of situation, not only would I be throwing a party at my house as many nights as possible but I believe I would become very skilled in: pilates, guitar, gardening, baking, pull-ups, and this blog would be incredibly better. I really should look into this house arrest thing.

I'll try to be funny later.

Did you see me last night? I am not trying to insinuate you were stalking me or sneaking behind the bushes. It is that I just don't remember. If we didn't meet last night I'm sorry, I should have called, but for all I know I might have. In case you hear what I did last night I just want to say that I deny everything, but if you could relay what it is you heard that would help me know what I did last night.

Sunday morning is always better if it starts with a disclaimer.

I went to a party last night, and somewhere along the way I forgot that I was hoping to have a relaxed night. I went to a party full of people I only remotely know. Most of them went to college with me but I wouldn't say that more than 2 of them would be able to tell you my name. At first when my friend brought up going to the party (he's in the loop) I first thought that I didn't want to be around a ton of people I don't really know and have to make up things to talk about. After thinking for a minute I realized two things:

1. I spend a lot of time as it is making up things to talk about. This blog is exhibit A

2. I don't worry about consequences when I'm around people I don't know.

Thankfully I've had enough experience with #2 to know how much faith to put in it. At some point in time I really stop giving a shit about almost everything. Sure I get passionate about things but I just as easily stop caring. If I don't know someone I'll try to not offend them but I really don't care what they think. At this point my sister is reading this and thinking "but you should care about what people think of you." Which I then respond with, "If I'm a great person won't I act like a great person, therefore be a great person in someone else eyes."

I really don't want to get into the metaphysical nature of all that b/c I can already feel this post going to shit faster than Joe Rose. My mom has a song about her taking a shit. Random? Yes. I don't know who came up with it, and I don't know what distinguishes my mother in that regard, but shit's funny and songs about it and your mom are even better. Write one for Father's Day, I can guarantee he'll appreciate it. I'm going to write my mother's shit song. It is Spanish and I might not remember the lyrics too well, hopefully my sis will chime in with the right lyrics or readable Spanish at least. You have to sing the drum part, if not its not danceable.

Maria Alina
(tootoom toom toom)
Maria Alina
(tootoom toom toom)
Se Fue corriendo
Se estava cagando

You're supposed to put one hand to your mouth when you say the last part, that way it looks like if you're saying something under your breath. Please don't copy my song, just take my word for it that my father is one of the top "enjoyers" of that song. I have to admit I'm with him on this one.

I'm definitely going to go sing that song to my mother as soon as I am done here.

I was saying something about not caring about what people thought of me, but I don't know how true that is. Here's the thing, I am an asshole and people seem to be misinterpreting that and thinking I don't care what they think. I care, I really do. I'm just a real ass about it.

Next time you read this skip that part where I explained reason #2 and went into that one man dramatization with my sister.

For some reason the month of April is protesting the new blog template. If someone would be willing to mediate in this situation please let me know, I'm sick of seeing that picture of myself where I'm suffering from some type of facial paralysis.

Three Lines That Start With I:

1. I cut my hair today. I was going for "the gumby" but ended up with "the blockhead." I really should let someone else cut my hair.

2. I got excited this morning about going to see Star Wars tonight, then immediately after I realized why I am single.

3. I feel bad about my grammar, diction, and syntax today. I just want to let you know that I know those words. I'm way too scatterbrained today.

In a serious blow to the profession I have attempted to enter the FAA has ruled that "space billboards" are illegal. In case you are wondering, no they do not have spaceships or intergalactic missiles to bring a "space billboard" down but you will receive a hefty fine. I am not making this up.

Last night, or this morning, somewhere in that void as I was on my way to my friends house I encountered a misplaced item. A light post was laying flat across the street. While I was wondering why the guy in front of me was braking suddenly, and reversing I almost missed what I was running over. A huge ass steel light post in the middle of the street. I'm sure if I read what I just wrote I'd think I was drunk off my ass on the drive home.

Since this post has a channel 7 NewsPartyStationPlex feel to it already I am going to report one more bit of news. I am going to refer to the incident that Jim Defede, of the Miami Herald, wrote about a couple days ago. Most people might remember Jim Defede from his compelling coverage of the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese Sandwich. What amazes me is that how someone that is as big as he is (physically) would not eat that grilled cheese, especially on a road trip, and especially with a woman depicted on it, but take from that what you want.

Anyways I'm going off on a tangent like Mr. Kingman, but don't worry I won't be able to tie together how his brother being killed in an army helicopter crash proves that Jesus can save your soul.

So what I want to talk about is how Lazaro Collazo or Lazer, as he is known in Miami, pulled down his pants to show his meat and potatoes to the high school baseball team he coaches. Lazer used to be an acclaimed coach of the University of Miami, I think he was the pitching coach. He was fired in a pretty ugly way and now coaches baseball at one of South Florida's most expensive private schools.

His point in pulling down his pants was to prove that he had balls and that his players had to make sure they too had balls, or what psychologists are calling these days- testicular fortitude. Mind you most of these boys are only now coming to terms with the fact that their balls have dropped and that they do not need to be checked on a constant basis. Obviously Lazer understands that asking someone if they have balls or cojones is a tried and true motivational tool. The sad thing is this type of questioning becomes oh too common in a boy's life by the age of, say, 11 (ironic, eh?).

Lazer was smart enough to understand that the only thing keeping these boys from reaching their full potential was some legal restriction that disallows using one's own penis as a visual tool in public. Progressive as America is it is now understood that laws that keep penises in pants are outdated and archaic, they don't make any sense for today's America. This is why there is no legal action being sought against this man. Everyone, even the head master of the school, which costs over 20 grand a year in tuition, (and a little more if you don't want your child in any classes with OJ Simspson's kids) has no problem with what happened and has defended the cutting edge motivational technique being employed. I don't know if the technique proved effective, but either way would you want to have a lasting memory of some old Cuban man's ball sack for the rest of your life.

Chris: Hey, Alex remember that time we lost the baseball game and Coach showed us his balls?
Alex: Yeah, of course I never forget a nut sack. Man, high school was great.

Lesson learned: If you want to ask someone if they have balls, make sure you show them what you mean so there is no misunderstanding.

Enjoy the weekend. I'm out like Livan. I love you Miami.

Someone thankfully took the time last night to tell me how to be nice. The first thing that came to mind is that "nice" has to be one of the most overused words of all. There are many definitions for this word, but I think the two that people refer to are:

1 courteous, gracious, nice exhibiting courtesy and politeness; "a nice gesture"

2 discriminate, nice noting distinctions with nicety; "a discriminating interior designer"; "a nice sense of color"; "a nice point in the argument"

So I was offered a small clinic on how to perform the first type of nice, being polite. I have to say it isn't easy. It sounds easy to explain - be polite, be courteous, but in reality I can't say my first reaction is to be nice. I get in the elevator in my office building and I don't want to be nice to the guy who got in with me. I want to know why the hell this guy had to press the button for three different floors. Is he just wandering around? Is he control panel dyslexic? Its obvious that nice isn't the first personality trait I reach for.

I left for work at 10:30 this morning. That's nice. Waking up Late is nice. The fact that there was traffic every which way wasn't. It's amazing that I can manage to get stuck in a traffic deadlock at a time that the people that are usually driving around are on their way from Navarro to Sedano's to get in on the two for one deal on cans of frijoles. I hate traffic. I have to figure out how to be funny.

I can walk without crutches!!!!! I have no pain in my knee. I can truly say that God helped me through last night b/c for a brief moment my nerves of steel were shaken and I was feeling a bit anxious. When I woke up after surgery the pain was tremendous, but as always the shot of demerol just lifted me back up again. I was able to walk immediately, but I made sure to put some underwear on first.

The whole experience was fantastic, I had a smile the whole time I was waiting. I'm really happy now I have a brief idea of what going under the knife is like. The whole waiting process is weird. The best part about last night is that other than the doc that performed the surgery and one nurse everyone else spoke Spanish. I can now say I know what it feels like to have a surgery and have it in a rich Latin American country. Next time I have to remember to take pictures.

In case anyone is still wondering which option was chosen last night it was #2. I am referring to the previous post and what the outcomes of the surgery could have been.

The new Team Sleep album is really good, I suggest anyone who remotely likes Deftones to give it a try, its not far from what they do when they're chilling out. Thank you Jenny, your taste is on point.

I'll try to start being funny in my posts and write some more later today. Now I am off to return to my non-disabled life, and it feels really good. Too bad I have to go back to work tomorrow.

I've got great news- I get to wipe out a few hours out of the day today. You gotta love when they put your life on fast forward. I will be operated on later this evening. My knee has what doctors refer to as a "bucket handle flip." That pretty much means that some of the cushioning in the back of my knee has flipped to the front and is locking my knee from fully extending and makes it painful to put weight on it. There are 2 outcomes to this surgery:

1. They put the "cushion" back in place and I spend 5 weeks (at least) on crutches recovering

2. The cushion is too fucked to repair and they take it out, thus forcing me to start putting weight on it immediately but placing me at a high risk to develop arthritis in my knee.

I really don't know which one I would prefer but these three things I know:

1. My armpits are becoming severely chaffed from the crutches

2. The Bravery's latest album is definitely catchy

3. Its hard for me not to make a judgment call on people who create an away message for each day of the week.

Take what you want from those but for some reason I am feeling pretty upbeat about this whole knee ordeal. It has been a while since a body part of mine has overshadowed everything else I do, but this time its a bit different.

In other news I've been wondering whether the denizens of South Florida would be attracted to becoming more knowledgeable of the pop culture that exists past Ft. Lauderdale. I don't think I would be off base if I said that the culture down here is highly internalized. I think this is why so many things are coming out of this area and the rest of the country is viewing it as trendy. The internal characteristic of Miami has allowed it to differentiate itself. I for one don't take the "trendiness" all that seriously and just chalk it up to reggaeton, but I blame everything on reggaeton.

So would Miami be interested in a publication that's main focus is everything that isn't Miami? That's the question.

I hope the new wider format is more enjoyable. Feel free to stretch out and get comfortable.

I wonder if I can just chalk these past weeks up to "transitioning" and move on already. I really feel stuck in the mud, at least today. I have been crippled by my knee problem and today I finally figured out how to drive a car without the pain getting in the way.

So how can I be stuck in the mud? Shouldn't that be progress enough?

Here's the thing, as soon as I became mobile I realized I have no where to go. Ok, so we reference the proactive lifestyle handbook and see that it says I should come up with something to do to get me out of the house. Obviously I have failed at completing that mission as I am here typing instead of being un-American and getting out of the house on a Sunday evening. I could start calling my friends and see if our collective desires to be spared from boredom would conjure up some form of entertainment. Most often than not "seeing a movie" will be the answer to that question, and I am not going to lie, Sunday nights are my preferred movie night.

I'm going to cut through and just say I don't want to go to the movies. I want to go to a room that is filled with people who are all interested in exchanging anecdotes of how life has a lot to offer. Any live band with a bar that serves cheap whiskey will suffice. I really don't think I am asking for so much. It is impossible for me to do everything or know everything, which is why I socialize. I expect to find about all the things I choose to not do through others and there is no way this is going to happen at the movies.

I was called a loser not long ago, and that 'ad hominem' was supported by claiming that I have spent my entire life only associating with the same five people. I didn't believe that claim had any validity but I can assure you that God has spent the time from then til now proving to me how wrong that statement was. I found myself spread thinly over many friends as I moved from activity to activity. In many instances moving in between people who would rather not be associated with each other. The best part is that at no point were there ever 5 people I could count on to be there. I do enjoy my time alone, but I am more uncertain than ever whether that enjoyment is a cause or an effect.

Perhaps I am unable to give everything to a relationship or block out everything else from entering the scope of my desires.

Perhaps I just need to spend more time with my grandmothers.

I spent the early days of last week looking forward to the weekend and how much fun I would have celebrating my graduation. Instead fate proved itself uncontrollable and expectations were proven futile. I thought I had learned to live for the moment and enjoy whatever I had chosen to do, apparently my knee felt otherwise and had to prove it to me. Thank you knee, I appreciate you giving out on me.

The lack of support has helped me build a foundation.

I can almost walk again.

I graduated yesterday but I didn't spend much time thinking about it. The main reason is that I've severely fucked up my knee and can't walk on my right leg anymore. Yes, that is right my new found disability was the main attraction at the show I put on yesterday. I even went on stage in crutches to accept my diploma, quite pathetic, I know.

Afterwards I had a big meal with my family, that turned out to be fantastic. I don't think I've ever had a steak so good. The gifts I recieved at the dinner are what really made the night fantastic. I am not going to lie to you I knew to expect something substantial and was not left disappointed.

So my knee is fucked up. It hurts a lot and I find it a little hard these days to be humorous b/c of it. Although it was probably funny seeing me slip on the wet floor in my dining room. Crutches were flying. I thought the pain would kill me.

Every once in a while you get a little reminder of how much of an ass you are. Mine came in the remembering I have yet to get my sister anything for her birthday, and have no idea what I will get her. I had figured I would just give it to her when she comes down this Thursday night for my graduation. If not I would have had to send it to her in New York while she was still here in Miami. I guess I could have sent it and she would have received it today or tomorrow so perhaps I am just taking the easy way out. I know you are going to read this Melissa, so I ask if you are going to make any comments please include a birthday gift wish list.

Today is the last day of final exams for me. Thankfully I didn't have to be like the Eagles and take it to the limit. An even greater perk of being done early with my exams is that I can watch some playoff basketball tonight. In case you didn't understand what I just said I'll repeat it- I have an excuse to go out to a bar tonight.

For anyone who doesn't know yet Dutch radio is the shit and I hope to move there just to enjoy the commute. Although I need to work on understanding their traffic updates.

If there is anyone who is reading this post that has ever or is currently combating a case of nail fungus please leave a comment detailing you experience. The best story will win a free bottle of Fungi Nail, the #1 doctor recommended topical antifungal. 15-20% of the American population suffers from nail fungus, 98% of those sufferers being 67 years of age or older. I know I'm big with the viejo cagalitrosos (Spanish for shitty old people) so I expect a big turnout for this.

I just want to say sometimes I see a random stranger, either in person or in a picture, and I truly understand what Bill Cosby was thinking when he came up with the Fat Albert characters.

I've been thinking about a different way of storytelling where you get the lyrics to a song and write a story in between the lyrics using what is already there as a back drop. Obviously some songwriters are a bit more poetic and metaphorical in their linguistic capabilities, but I think almost any song (even "Baby Got Back") could work in this forum. Feel free to try it. I'm not trying to say I came up with this. I'm sure somebody has already done this and created a 750 page novel based on the lyrics to The Doors "Back Door Man" and my sister will leave a comment at the end of this blog detailing its whereabouts and how much I can get it for at the Book & Books next to Blockbuster and behind Pizza Hut, where there's also a Checkers, I think. Some good stories should come out of it and poor storytellers or people who have problems being original (read: the masses) could use it as a "creative crutch."

I think the most creative crutch I have ever seen was made out of a tree limb. People don't get too creative with crutches. I guess people are using their sense of humor when administering first aid. Quite a shame I would say.

This weekend is mother's day. Here's a tip I learned from Mr. T: Just say "ain't no other like my mother" in the deepest baritone voice you can muster and your mom will either chuckle or think you've started listening to that rap music again.

I've been drinking tons of tea these days, and its always hot. I remember the times when I used to be a big fan of "Brisk" Iced Tea and would spend countless dollars feeding my sugar fix with a non-carbonated drink. These days I drink chamomile, greet, and even echinecea, yet I still don't feel like I'm gaining any of the "hippie powers" that were promised. I'll keep you updated on any changes.

Hey, has anyone heard anything from the Pope? Where's he been? I bet he's doing some intensive papal training (i.e. lot's of waving). Does anyone know what CCD stands for without looking it up in the internet or a book? Just thought I'd throw in some more Catholicism in here.

I think yesterday's and today's add up to a full blog. I'll be giving away my bottle of Finesse to the person who gets the most people to read this crap. Who knows, this might be your chance to find a $5,000 sapphire or one of a million prizes (more like pieces of shit) Jessica Borges came up with and announced on my myspace.com page. Remember to tell a teacher today that they aren't a chump for picking a bad career, its National Teacher Day (but they still have to work on their holiday?).

I have no idea how many people use the shampoo Finesse but I figure its more than the amount that reads this bloc (safe bet?). I know my first experience with Finesse came at my grandmother's house b/c my uncle was living there for a while, and it was his shampoo of choice. Therefore whenever I think of that follicle fantasy in a blue bottle I think of my uncle (even though its clearly a feminine product).

At this point you might be asking what shampoo has to do anything but if you value precious gems and loads of cash you'll stick around. Finesse is having a contest where you are asked to look for a sapphire that is worth $5,000, or additional prizes. I don't know how many types of prizes fit into a bottle of Finesse shampoo but be my guess and fill in that blank.

That's all I got for now, I should be able to come up with something for tomorrow but as I warned at the beginning those are the breaks. Godspeed comrades