My Opinion Over Yours

In hopes of reaching the momentous 100th post on The Daily Lorenzo I am forcing myself to write. That's right, it doesn't come naturally. It is a laborious task and the joke book I am using is starting to come apart at the binding (partly from overuse and partly from being acquired at a yard sale). This begs the obvious question of "why do it, then?" which I have always answered with the obvious answer of "Because I have an ego that is best metaphorically depicted by that plant from 'Little Shop of Horrors.'"

Consider yourself in the Rick Moranis role of Seymour Krelborn everytime you visit this site.

So, yeah, ummm this is post number 98. What's going on today? Space Shuttle news dominates as NASA decides whether psyching us out for the 7th time this month would still be funny. I have no idea why they are going to space but best luck to them. Obviously no one would want anything bad to happen to the astronauts, be it here on earth or in space. I know some are hoping for some Fantastic Four type occurrence but let's be serious. Either way Superheroes would have nothing to fight other than terrorists, which would then mean that some super-terrorist alliance would be established.

Even if I had super powers I wouldn't use it to fight evil, b/c then evil comes looking for you. I think bar tricks and picking up chicks are the only sane uses for super powers.

Now that I've made this post as nerdy as possible let us forget about any possible transition. Last night I spent most of the night with my girlfriend and her friends, mainly b/c she is leaving today to start her new Midwestern life and begin her climb up the corporate ladder from the bottom rung in Cincinnati. We watched "Shaun of the Dead" because I insisted and I actually ended up liking it, as an added bonus its only about an hour and a half. Afterwards we mulled going out but one of my girlfriend's friend's had an early flight so it seemed wrong to make her go out or exclude her.

What did we do then? Played Asshole, everyone's favorite way of using a card game to tell someone what you really think they are. No we weren't drinking seeing as that seems to be frowned upon and thought of as juvenile when your with a bunch of girls and its a Monday night. Well actually the guys were drinking but not at the speed to imply we were playing a drinking game. The best part about the game was that, like every other card game known to man, there are 20.8 million rules and 1.43 trillion variations of each rule that are brought to the table. I argued some rules, fought for the way I had always played but in the end my girlfriend was putting up too much of a fight to make any more discussion meaningful. Instead I just blamed her rules and that we were in her house everytime I didn't do too well. At least I know how to drag others down well, no rule against that one.

Once everyone left I lucked out and got to watch "The Vanishing." A movie many don't know about but I enjoy tremendously. It is a remake of a Dutch film, that is supposedly much better and makes the American one seem watered down. Either way I think the movie is good, and both the original and remake are directed by the same guy. Who cares if the original is better, this one is good on its own. Why do movies need to be compared like siblings? If you ever get a chance watch "The Vanishing" it is a great thriller that has a unique story to it.

So that is it, post #98 is over. If anyone has any ideas on what type of extravaganza I can string together for #100 let me know - mslorenzo@gmail.com -although it might have to be written in New York, seeing as I leave Friday.

This weekend I've been going out to some of Miami's hot spots. At first I learned how easy it is to get on "the list" to get into clubs, yet later on in the night I learned how much of a lie my previous lesson had been since I didn't get on any list even though I was told I was.

I still got in without much of a problem. The first night I made clear to the "list bearer" that even though she wasn't going to find my name on the list she wasn't going to find many guys trying to get into the club with 5 girls in tow. Thankfully the "girl to guy" ratio thing always works out if girls outnumber heavily. Needless to say she was happy to find a group that wasn't all guys.

Last night though the ratio wasn't weighed so heavily towards the girls. Earlier in the day my girlfriend called the club we were going to to see if we could be put on the list. The person who answered said yes and made it seem that it was harder to tie your shoes that get on the coveted guest list for a night club. Well, whoever answered the phone must have been feeling especially nice b/c no one was on any list once we got to the door and we were left to deal with an extremely perplexed gargantuan Samoan dude. Are gargantuan and Samoan synonymous?

In the end we all got in, three of us were charged but everyone helped out. I needed the help since I was without any tangible money so I made sure to repay with drinks until we were all too inebriated to know what money was.

Unfortunately the night ended with us getting chicken nuggets. A terrible idea that tasted so good at 4 in the morning. Fortunately all the drinking made the wait in the drive through bearable and the actual eating of the nuggets an adventure. Good night overall, although I probably did or said something while drunk that made my girlfriend mad or painted me as an asshole, but hey I never claimed to be all roses and pussycats.

Moving on now, I want to talk a little about the state of this blog. I am a bit disappointed that more people frequent the Garfield store in the Miami International Mall than this website but then again I used to love Garfield too, although Heathcliff was a bit more my style. Perhaps my lack of fascination with Garfield now is the reason I am no longer a fat ass. He really does encourage over eating, especailly slurping down lasagna without taking the time to chew.

From looking at the site meter I've noticed that this site is experiencing a big dropoff on the weekends and is booming mid-week. Obviously no one is surfing the internet during the weekend and I am happy that this functions more as a break for people during the workday monotony.

Surprisingly though there seems to be people that are accessing this site from other continents. I don't know if this is by mistake or pure serendipity but it all plays into my plan to become a celebrity in Asia and Africa. My reasoning behind that is that they seem to be free of the hussy fussy paparazzi Western civilization has deemed as penance for being famous. So whoever that one person in Laos who has come to this site, I hope you tell more people (even if you don't like it) and I also hope that picture of Asian hostages on the last post didn't get taken the wrong way.

I also seem to be read on the West Coast. That site meter is doing wonders for my ego.

If anyone has any pictures that they would like to have put on this site please e-mail them to me @ mslorenzo@gmail.com. My camera is broken and I desire to live vicariously through your camera. Don't worry about being embarrassed with your picture I intend to photoshop my face onto your own in the picture.

Long time fans of "The Daily Lorenzo" hearken back to a time of brooding and self loathing that was back then called "Philosophia Determinida." In those days I used to write much worse (can you believe it?) and I used to talk about work. Most of that job-talk had to do with how annoying I found my office mate. I doubt most will remember those posts but I'll try to find the link to them at some point.

What I am getting at here is that something about work is about to be written about.

For those who don't know I work at a marketing company, which means that occasionally I get to have the fun job of coming up with commercials. Sometimes they are for print, others for radio, and once in a while for television. The best part of television ads is that they cost a lot so that means that most of the ideas that you would be able to come up with are going to be rejected. Thankfully, most of the times they are rejected with gusto and an explanation of how your idea is terrible.

Right now we are working with Full Throttle, a new energy drink made by Coca Cola. The account manager for this product at Coca Cola had the bright idea of getting two ad agencies together to come up with a television commercial that will help the drink breakthrough the Red Bull domination.

The Coke representative went on to let the other ad agency come up with an ad and then told us we had to Hispanic-cize their ad. In the ad a guy is kidnapped, shaved, tattooed, beaten, and then humiliated. Why that ad works for this guy is beyond me. I haven't seen any research that says consumers of energy drinks are sadomasochistic.

The main problem I have with the ad is that you don't want to put kidnapping in a Hispanic ad. Abductions are huge problem in most Latin American countries and guess where most of the people who are watching Spanish language programming just came from. It is preposterous to imagine that being kidnapped and tortured are going to make you want to buy the product that makes that happen. You also have to wonder what kind of hardcore metrosexual makeover is this. Who shaves another guys face? Especially in a van, and while a guy is holding him down and another is tattooing his back.

The best part is that Full Throttle has much less of the ingredients that energized when compared to Red Bull, Monster, and Rockstar. Its more like a Soda with some pep to it. It does taste good though, especially if you like Mountain Dew.

Some people just don't get it.

Others do, like Franklin the Cordial Storm. It seems the hoopla I made over that storm coming was just that. It is now turning away, rescinding its plans to come to Florida in turn for better weather at Bermuda. Thank you pressure systems you have made my weekend more enjoyable already.

You know who else is going to get it? Those damn Iraqis. I say damn because they really do seem damned. Apparently the U.S. military has devised a "death ray" but thankfully have opted to set it to "stun". The device shoots microwaves at you and in five seconds you begin feeling tremendous pain. Why it hurts, or by what method do the microwave make you feel pain are beyond me but I wonder if your insides are melting or something. They plan on using this for riot control.

I wonder if this "ray" will be visible, and once more countries have it if the good guys will have blue and the bad guys red like in G.I. Joe. Just click here to get more info.

People say the Patriot Act is bad, but thanks to that legislature we now have this death ray. For more information on the crazy sci fi type shit that is going down in military research just go to DARPA's web page. Just imagine what they aren't letting everyone know.

So if you are in Iraq stay away from riots, especially if you are wearing glasses. They might make your eyes explode.

More on the way. I swear I've got Blogging Fever.

I haven't been blogging, but the title of this blog shouldn't lead you to believe you know the reason why. To me it epitomizes Western culture, which I'll get to later here.

I have received some fan mail in my absence asking "what happened." My response is that I do too many "what happened while I was gone" blogs. To be honest I haven't been doing anything. I'm actually not busy, just disenfranchised.

I think it all happened when I started thinking about how everyone blames everyone else, therefore no one, yet everyone is to blame. Somewhere in an article where the mayor of London blamed every western leader but himself for the public transit bombings. He went on and on about how Western civilization has created terrorism b/c it went after the Arab's oil and tried to use them to make a profit. My first reaction was to wonder if somewhere deep inside of me I had an inkling of a negative feeling for what had occurred in the Arab world over the past century. This soul-spelunking resulted in zero excavations of pity or sympathy, surprisingly uncovering a jackpot of disrespect.

Are people supposed to feel bad about making money? I know that I have read too much Ayn Rand to say yes to that question. Its too bad they didn't get a "fair" deal in their own eyes for all that oil, but how is that now everyone's problem. Native Americans got a raw deal. Much worse than the Arabs. At least they didn't have to move. What did the natives do? They aren't bombing people or threatening to massacre someone else's way of life. Sure they fought back while they were getting the run out of their land but they got over it.

These days Native Americans are taking most of America for all they got using our own medicine- capitalism. Thanks to all their casinos Tribes are raking in large amounts of money that no one ever thought they'd get their hands on. Kudos to them.

Obviously Native Americans have made a living for themselves in many different ways outside of casinos and that shouldn't be ignored. Yeah, Yeah, it still sucks that all this land was "their's" and it no longer it is but that's the way intelligence works. You are only as smart as the next person is stupid, ignorance not withstanding.

Up to now this post isn't funny. It is actually quite serious, and in the end the amount of radical Arabs, because wanting to blow up stuff makes you an Arab these days, that read my blog are probably zero.

Today is Thursday and I have taken a vow of celebration on this day. I promise to go out and do all of the things that make people laugh at me (keyword: at). The news is that it is supposed to rain heavily tonight though. I for one am not afraid.

I will be leaving to New York next week and then Cincinnati soon after that. If anyone wants to join this brief tour of America please let me know so I can make clear you weren't invited.

That's it for this installment. If you want more blogs leave more comments. I have an ego that needs constant affirmation.

Sometimes the weekend just creeps up on you, especially when you work only 5 days the past two weeks. I have to admit not working Friday through Wednesday is a great deal, too bad it doesn't do much for the cash flow situation.

I spent most of the past few days with my friend who was down visiting, and reacquainting myself with my globetrotting girlfriend. I'm going to try to put a couple posts up in the next days and get back into a rhythm because I have to admit the comedy has been a bit spotty.

For all of those who have been keeping up on "The Battle for Michaels Knee" I want to say that the campaign is nearing its end and I am almost fully recovered. Even my therapist, Suzy, says so, but she is only an intern so don't put too much weight on what she thinks. Either way I will be back to kicking ass in a couple weeks. Let's get to the music review since that is the crux of this post.

I haven't acquired that many new CD's these days but the one I have gotten has made the wait worthwhile. If you need more reviews in your life I have added a new link to a site dedicated to music you won't find on the radio- so you know its good. Just click the Left Off the Dial to the left over there.

The album I am talking about is Dredg's "Catch Without Arms." I have professed the virtues of listening to Dredg to most of those I hold dear so it goes without saying that I am going to like anything they do. Fortunately they have gone beyond anything I expected and tightened up a sound that was already air tight like a dolphin's ass. Here is what some people are saying about it:
"This music pulverizes while still feeling lighter than air"

"I wish I wouldn't have ever heard this album so I could re-live what it did to me the first time I heard it"

"My ears feel spicy"

Obviously, you should not go by what other's say, and who knows how it actually feels to have spicy ears, but I beg someone to listen to Dredg and conclude that they just wasted their time. Guitar like hammer, bass syncopating to your body rhythm, and drums that keep your ass bouncing all work together to wrap you in it from head to toe.

In my opinion the singer, Evan, has improved tremendously from album to album and finally he fits in with the music sublimely. I suggest you spend $10 and add a worthy album to your collection, b/c most collections would be improved by it. I know I don't usually make a suggestion when it comes to music, but this one has got me good. I'll try to take pictures of their show on August 6, which I will be attending.

If you want to listen to them now you can find them on Yahoo music just click this link. They are in a competition to figure out the "best upcoming band," but they don't really care since they know they are good.

The whole enchilada

Here's something if you're bored Monday and stumbled in my direction:

I've been planning my escape for a while, from Miami that is. Although this comes as no surprise to those who know me I still get asked:
"Why do you want to leave?"
or
"How can you leave all these frijoles?"

The first one is easy- 22 years of this same place is enough for me. The second one is a bit more perplexing and brings up a really practical point, yet somehow I seem to have prioritized differently.

There is no denying that I enjoy Miami, in fact I believe it is a part of who I am. Thinking about this lead me to ask "how much is this city a part of my life?". Over my long period of observation here I have been led to conclude that only by figuring out how much of my life is related to Dan Marino, the man who ruled this land my entire life, will I ever know if this is the place for me.

He is the man would be the god-like hero blind old poets would write about in Miami if anyone still read poetry and football players were allowed to use weapons. In his rule over this city of mine Dan Marino's path and my own have intersected. For instance:
1. I was born two weeks later than I supposed to in an attempt to signal what would come just two weeks after my date of birth- the drafting of Dan Marino by The Miami Dolphins on April 26, 1983.
2. Neither I nor Dan Marino have won our way in to the Super Bowl.
3. We both have our own websites - even sharing common goals on what we use our sites for- Dan Marino.com
4. He's from Pittsburgh, I have been to Pittsburgh
5. Most recently we will both be in Ohio in early August.
These coincidences rank me as only a 38.75 out of 100 in The Miami-Marino Correlation Scale. Others in this city can tie much more of their own history to Dan Marino than I can, yet it takes a vast knowledge of Dan Marino history (this knowledge on its own accounts for 25 points on the Miami-Marino Scale).

It seems my moderate knowledge of Marino history has shown me that on one hand I definitely have seen how he has been a part of my life. Unfortunately on the other hand all this has made evident that, in one more way, I am not cut out for this town. I ca not show my face with dignity in this city with that low of a score.

Send Marino my share of the frijoles bounty, Lord knows he's earned it.

Top 5 Reasons I am Writing Today:
1. To make clear I was not in London for the past week nor this morning
2. My absence has had nothing to do with the lack of Cathartic Nonsense
3. I am positive I have completely lost my audience
4. I am very disappointed with my last post not the Puppy Massacre though
5. This is the last day I will be able to write using my bionic enhancements

Top 5 Reasons I Had Not Posted In Over A Week:
1. Absence of my muse
2. Disbelief in Greek Mythology
3. Good Law & Order episodes on TNT & USA this week
4. Delayed reactions to planets' alignment
5. I spent a lot of time trying to find good tasting mangoes before I gave up

There you go. I always liked to be balanced and tell both sides of the story.

The past few days I've stared at this blog, mainly b/c of my inability to go out much, but what I have noticed that the direction my posts have taken is far from what the objective of this blog is- me. Let's all hope and pray I can be as self-centered as necessary to get back to what's important- me.

I am officially scheduled to have the tube that my drugs are shot into me taken out of me tomorrow @ Noon time. This means three things:
1. No needing to inject antibiotics into myself anymore
2a. My day doesn't stop for half an hour three times a day
2b. I no longer have a real good excuse to leave work early
3. There will be no more chances to have vodka shots administered through intravenous tubes jutting out of my bicep.

Yes some good some bad, but I am not going to regret having this God forsaken catheter removed.

It will be especially welcome since my South African friend Eugene is coming. Yes, you do need to put the person's nationality in front of the word "friend" if they are from Eastern Europe, Africa, or Asia. My loyal readers may remember Eugene from my previous post about going to his brother's concert. Apparently my failure to do much around his bro's concert other than loaf around and complain about how much my knee hurts convinced him that he should come back to South Florida. The concert is taking a 6 day break and he gets a free ticket to anywhere. I suppose by anywhere they mean the continental U.S. and a few Canadian provinces. Out of all those places he surprisingly chose Miami.

Who knew I could do such a great job for the South Florida Tourism Board.

Either way if anyone has any ideas on what to do with my South African friend around town please e-mail me at mslorenzo@gmail.com. You would be doing your part to help an African, and everyone knows they're a better person just by helping out an African. He's told me that all he's looking for is "Sexy Parties."

Before I go I just want to say Happy Birthday to Michelle Kwan, Ringo Starr, and Pierre Cardin who are each celebrating their birthdays today. Best Wishes and Chutzpah.

Contest Alert: To recieve 3 coupons for free Blizzards from Dairy Queen please send in your best portrait of yours truly. The best two will be posted on this site. Only one will win though. Good Luck!

Chop chop!