My Opinion Over Yours

Weekend was fine. It wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. Seeing Dave Chapelle is a more elusive goal than that bloody Holy Grail ever proved to be. Acquiring a bed and somewhere to put my clothes has done more to make my hole feel like a home than I would have ever imagined. I can now “do nothing” comfortably in my own home. No more “lounging” or “relaxing” on indiscriminant floor areas. I’m still waiting for my exercise wheel and “no-drip” water bottle to come.

Now that the weekend has come and passed and half of America has forgotten that there ever was a city named New Orleans while the other half wonders if their donations are going straight to those pricey concessions stands in the Astrodome/SuperShelter/BushHatesUs-opolis it is time to wonder about other things.

One topic that always perplexes me is the female moustache. There is no explaining their existence or reasoning any tolerance towards them. Has anyone, male or female, ever benefited from having a female moustache? I’m sure if this were a “Family Feud” question the number one reason for a woman having a moustache would be “To get a Circus Job.” This wouldn’t be wrong per say b/c circuses have always taken in any woman with facial hair, most of the time for “just-in-case” purposes more than any other reason. Yet, if you believe this proves that someone benefits from a “female moustache” then you are assuming it is beneficial to be employed in a sideshow (be my guest, the job’s all yours, freak). The guy who makes money off the “bearded lady” is only benefiting from her misfortune and it is always easy to benefit from misfortune. Ask all those cot (or pin-pam-poom) salesmen in Houston, TX.

So why would any woman shelter any facial hair beneath her nose. It doesn’t matter if it is hardly noticeable. That only means that it’ll be visible when up close and do you really want the last thing someone will see before they kiss you to be that hint of a “flavor saver” you keep? Studies have shown this reduces kiss time by at least 4.37 seconds and Big Red is rendered useless in the midst of a “female moustache.”

Let’s stop denying it and agree that no one should have one.

Why say everyone and not “all women?” B/c prepubescent boys grow this type of moustache also, and it is as much of a crime. If by rule of thumb it is never good to half-ass anything why would it be good to not go all out on something as bold as a moustache? It’s the mantle piece of your face; your hood ornament for crying out loud.

Bleaching doesn’t help, so just have it removed. In the world of social equity there is hardly a better investment a woman could make. We can all see them, don’t deny it.

Let it be known. Talk about it. Tell all the girls you know and never planned on getting with on the first place. Make sure they don’t have one first, though. That piece will save you from someone “sonando te” with a “galleta.”

I didn't review this one for coherence. It's Monday so give me a break, you should be working.


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